CONTINUE IN LOVE Danièle Starenkyj©2016 www.publicationsorion.com
Sure, love is hard. And making it rhyme with forever can seem impossible. But what is the secret of those who succeed?
Do you remember that wonderful toolbox you constantly carried with you at the beginning of this great journey that is life together? Spontaneously, you knew how to use these tools skillfully, and in all circumstances: listening to each other, supporting each other, encouraging each other, appreciating each other, trusting each other, recognizing your faults towards each other, negotiating with each other.
These tools are so wonderful that they succeed in building this masterpiece that leads so many to confidently pronounce the four yeses of love that wants to be eternal: two yeses to signify the exclusive choice of the other, and two yeses to affirm the unconditional commitment of one to the other. "Until death do us part..."
As time passes, couples are faced with what psychiatrist William Glasser2 called "the mystery of marriage." Ironically, somewhere between the excitement of the party and everyday reality, spouses have traded the toolbox for building their marriage for the ammunition chest for destroying it.
Suddenly, the vision of the couple as something bigger than the two equal individuals who form it fades. The joy of respecting the other is annihilated by the desire to control them. We stop listening to them, supporting them, encouraging them, appreciating them, trusting them; we refuse to admit our faults, we give up negotiating our differences… One by one, the tools for building the couple are neglected, abandoned, and abandoned.
We have brought out the weapons of couple destruction, and they are highly effective. We begin to criticize the other, to blame them, to complain about them, to reproach them, to threaten them, to punish them, to manipulate them (if you... I...). The couple slips into the conditional present: that of reproaches, accusations, recriminations. Silence, distance, indifference, set in.
Love is freedom. The freedom to be oneself under the affectionate gaze of another. The slightest hint of control in love tips it into resistance. Those who feel constrained tense up, balk, and disengage. Those who feel forced no longer love. Humans always react to pressure with opposition, which, depending on their temperament, will be either internal or external. The refusal to bend becomes a refusal to love. One yes after another turns into a no. Love falters into hatred.
Marriage therapist Michele Weiner Davis3 says that to save a relationship, one partner simply needs to change. It takes at least two people to wage war, right? But peace always begins with one individual deciding to call a truce. So to rebuild a relationship, one partner simply needs to bring out the tools that built it!
Doubt it? Think about the domino effect... Think about the butterfly effect... If a simple flap of a butterfly's wings can trigger a tornado, they say, what can a smile tonight do for the person you share your life? A compliment? A look? A caress? A moment of listening? An understanding nod? A walk hand in hand?
Try it. The change will be immediate. And then, keep going. The change will be lasting. You too will sing this refrain together:
“Grow old with me / Whatever fate throws at us / We'll see it through / 'Cause our love is real / God bless our love / God bless our love”
Yes, you will grow old together... because when you have only love, you have everything, you can do everything, you are everything. Danièle Starenkyj ©2016 www.publicationsorion.com
1. Starenkyj D., What a Woman's Heart Wants, Orion, 2012.
2. Glasser W., Glasser C., Getting Together and Staying Together, Quill, 2000.
3. Davis Weiner M., The Divorce Remedy, Simon & Schuster, 2001.
4. “Grow Old With Me,” John Lennon’s last song to Yoko Ono, 1980.
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